I Got Clean, Not Perfect.
One can be a natural born perfectionist (like myself) & it will drive you to the point of using drugs to quiet the negative chatter in your mind. On the other hand one can be driven to addiction for a multitude of other reasons as an escape, but once an addict gets clean they seem to feel a constant struggle to feel "normal" or most importantly- good enough.
The negative chatter that plays through my mind daily is crippling. It's like when you go shopping or out to eat somewhere. You can always hear everyone around you speaking or you can be involved in conversation yourself, but you always have that background music playing. Sometimes you stop and realize that you didn't even notice it or maybe you were tuned right into the music that's playing over head. Nonetheless, it's there. Playing the entire time and there's seemingly nothing that can be done about it. This is what my negative chatter is. All day. Every day. Whether it's putting me down or telling me that I'll never find anything that numbs me or helps me through the day quite like the way drugs did- it's the root of all of my demons. I'll never be worthy of happiness, my daughter will always deserve a better mother than what she was given, I'm just a washed up looking junkie whether in recovery or not- I look the part, why aren't I prettier, why aren't I more driven, why can't I be better at everything, why am I always feeling like a lazy sack of shit, why can't I appreciate anything, Why am I still battling addiction like I just stopped using yesterday most days? Always.
My house is always clean because I put more emphasis on this than I do getting down and dirty with my two year old. Hearing her dump her toys or spill the basket that holds all of her books sends me to the atmosphere with anxiety. I do not want to be this kind of mother. I do not want to be a mentally ill, sad, stress filled, OCD, anxious mother. I dream of being carefree, fun, and playful. I am not that.
I feel like I'm just stuck in a constant cycle of struggle & contentment, only to struggle again. Currently, I am struggling. I feel angry at everyone, but mostly myself. I feel like I was just put on Earth to be a target for pain. I feel like I'm playing victim and feeling sorry for myself and what kind of piece of shit is always stuck thinking that way when there are most definitely people who have it much worse than I. So, the way I'm stuck feeling makes me angry all while I hate that I am the way that I am.
Every day is different. It's nearly impossible to make plans because most days it's impossible for me to keep them. I never know how I'm going to wake up. Am I going to feel motivated enough to even move out of my bed and accomplish anything or am I going to be dragging so badly that it literally feels like functioning is going to be my demise? I walk through my days in this fog. It's as if I am never fully awake, never fully care, never able to find it within myself to just.keep.going. More likely than not, these are the days that I cannot get myself to leave my bed-let alone my bedroom.
My daughter doesn't deserve such a sad mother. Michael doesn't deserve to be the pillar of support in our little family while he swallows his own negativity and depression because when he tries to talk to me-being an empath, I crumble even further. I want to feel stable, stronger, and reliable. I am working on myself a little at a time. When I start to talk I can't stop. There are so many layers to my emotions, there are so many unexplored corners within who I am as a person. I exhaust even myself. I've been drowning in my tears for so long that I struggle to be happy. If I'm acting happy I annoy myself and then feel as if I'm an annoyance to those around me.
It's so much easier to hate who I am, remain stuck in this sinking rut than it is to love the person that I am and fight to find my way out. Sometimes I fear that it's going to take too long &/or that it's just too late....
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