My Glass House

 I could divide my 36 years up by parts. When I look back at my life I can see it almost as a timeline but it isn't the stock timeline that starts and ends on one straight line. My timeline in my mind is compartmentalized in clear glass boxes. Each box holds one "segment" of my life. That whole era held within the glass walls; the joy, the fear, the sadness, the specific events themselves....all trapped in these individual boxes. I can just "grab a box", open it, and relive that segment all over again within my mind. Sometimes I do this on a visceral level. I can bring myself back into these moments by lighting up my senses; music, smells, photos, etc. I can get so stuck in memories of my past, that everything and everyone around me just fade away. My body is left there, but I am not present. I cannot recall anything that happened, anything anyone said, even more frightening- anything I said. How am I speaking when my consciousness is literally elsewhere? the subconscious is wiiiiiild behavior bro. I am the happiest I have ever been. Right now in this moment. Everything that is happening to me is to teach a lesson. A LES5ON. I can't backslide. 
I've come SO far from where I've been for so many years. I was stuck. I felt suffocated for the last 10 years because I've TRIED TO LEAVE. He always comes back. It's always my fault though because I take him back. But I leave over and over and he begs to come back over and over and because I have caved so many times...I am the problem. Well, I told him I was walking away and it was for the last motherfucking time. I'll NEVER do this again and he can sit and watch me FLOURISH without him because, in our crack psychosis, I was just as low as him at that moment. losing weight, sick...he laughed. He laughed about the idea of my life-changing once he left it. I'm not sure why though. It happened that exact way all FOUR times. 
I am over Michael Walsh. I am crying reading that out of pure gratitude. I never thought I'd get her. I NEVER thought I would see the day that I could take a sigh of relief.  Here I am.
I thought I was going to be in love with this man for the rest of my life. I felt that shit in the deepest depths of my soul. He was mine. I was his. Period. I brought my child into the mess and that's my biggest regret in LIFE. Number one. He is going to hurt her. It's inevitable. He's selfish.
Here's to another LARGE glass box being sealed. I'll revisit I'm sure but, I will never remain there. 👌👌
"WalshedUp" Era
2012-2022 




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